I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
