The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do you still have your period?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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