our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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