I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
