Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
