Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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