Midget sex pt 2 tonight
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
