i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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