I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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