I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The uberlube is also flammable
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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