Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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