Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
