she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
