Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
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