My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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