If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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