Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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