M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
