i jhust puked up my retainher.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
