I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
