hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
