he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
