just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
