Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
