watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
