her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
