Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
