the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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