I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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