we have officially lost it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
