You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
time to smoke my breakfast
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
