took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
