Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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