I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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