i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
