Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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