I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
How external is "for external use only"?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
