so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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