I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
