Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
