I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So many bounce houses so little time
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
