speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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