i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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