i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
