she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
