wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it's like iHOP with fire
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
