i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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