We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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