They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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