There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
