hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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