Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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