so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
