I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
