He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
