Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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