Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I deserve this hangover.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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