there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
