If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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