I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize