theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
