my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we're making bets on your personal life
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
